Um, holy fuck. Firstly, this is a bit uncanny to me, I'm not going to say how. Secondly, thank you for the optimistic ending, it made the piece whole. Fav.

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---------------------
Breaking entering
The dark and lonely places
Finding a big gun

I actually know someone that only has three fingers.

she's an interesting old lady. as is the poem.

oh god, that was intense. maybe it's just me, but it seemed like a dream - or a nightmare. too many thoughts and emotions for me to grasp at once, so i'll come back to it seamlessly intriguingly disturbing. oh, and i liked the happy ending as well.

--
+ thehungersite.com
+ suture | artists for charity | 2envision

wow.

I think this is really effective...not only because of the wording but also because of the way you presented it

always a treat

--
*dances naked*

...I am nobody's little weasel

hmn.. i posted a comment here already, i guess it's when DA was acting up.

the arrangement of the words builds up to the crescendo. really made me feel each word, holding on to it until the end.



--
somewhere over the rainbow, am coming home to you

Into the nightmare... and out.
I like its structure quite a bit. The only change I would suggest is to change the "she'd" in "she'd lived before" to a "she." The extra d in there makes that line a little awkward to read to me.

--
The flaw makes the masterpiece?

My first impression is that it dragged too long with the short lines structure. There were a few areas where it didn't match the focus of the intensity of the overall words; only about 4 or 5 lines come to mind. Unfortunately, I can't remember where (let me peek)

oh yeah, here are the lines that seemed to not work for me (keep in mind I'm in a bad mood as it's the morning and the coffee isn't seeming to work making me impatient and bitchy).

Excerpt one, the intro, rushes smoothly and effectively but there's a bump in the road somewhere in this part, I'll bold where I think it seems to lose groove:

"she'd lived before
walks by
as a dream
louder
than these visions
can scheme
in paces
of phases
that collide
seamlessly
too endlessly
like hands
of a clock rotate
until assumed
end of time
never never
trees"

Next excerpt, here, those in bold I think need to be trimmed or reworked:

"never never
trees
emerge on both sides
if only to validate
lanes
long as lanes with trees can be
she's in white
digging up
burial grounds
with a shovel
that goes ..."(really like the "burial grounds passage"


Next excerpt, noticed two areas which seem off (bolded/underlined):

she's in white
digging up
burial grounds
with a shovel
that goes
deep as love
bringing up
memories
vividly
painting
static
to motion
toils
in sparks
of recognition (the "tion" words " clumsifies the flow to me")
undercurrent
briefly waves
breezes
refreshing (use "refreshes maybe?"
shapes scape
guilt
into resignation (see my "tion" comment above)
printed
canvasses
pop out of
artificiality (similar to the "tion" words, same goes with the "ity" words)
into 3D
or four
if you count
her screaming ("ing" words...too many of them; when there are a lot of "ing" words my mind "rings." Usually we use "ing" words to prolong a flow; where we stand out as poets is when we prolong the flow without the "ing" words)
mind (loved the 3D/4D passage

Next excerpt:

rolling along ("ing" words)
while she
caves out
dignity
as a hollow
point needle
reflecting ("ing" words)
societal
inflection
and her mind (Remove the "and")
screams louder
than dreams
can imagine (brilliant, this line and the 3 above it)
themselves
as black
as white
converge
into color
of first blood (EEEK! the "B" word! You know what I'm thinking, I won't say anything else. Use "wound" and it'll compliment "womb" below.)
she digs up
a child
that never
lived
out side
of mental womb
to not die only
for having
just three fingers
on the left hand
heavy
like mercury
yet quickly
slivering (Nice idea here; "sliver" or " silver"? somehow, silver seems a better word t'me me thinks)

This next part, which I enjoy, is visual, I like but have comments:

she brings
the constellation
down
dust particles
gather
in hue
and (remove?) cry hazy (I like the imagery here but think it can be made better. Constellation is too distracting to me here; it's a long clumsy scientific sounding word where dust particles is neat but I think " particles" is too grounded (an interesting irony though being that "she is bringing those stars to the ground. I like this passage, but I think you can do something to it to add even more power to it.)
slithering
like hungry mouths
of earthquake clefts' (Read it w/o the " of"; I think it sounds cooler like that)
intake
while tears
roll back ("rolling" used earlier..maybe not repeat this verb?)
in eyes
for outside
pressure
is too dense ("is" can disappear here me thinks)
to bring them out

Finally! *sigh!*; see my comments:

"I'm seen …
she wants to
instantly
cover me (Change "cover" to "bury"
with
memory burial dust (remove "burial"?)
but the dirt
goes through me (love that)
like I'm not there
as I walk over the hole
she stands in
a blink
of moment
to up her shovel
I dig her gesture (brilliant!
and pull her out (remove the "and"; you've got a whole list of ideas; why " and" them now?)
we walk under chestnut scent
in silence
long as the lanes go
into them

… out of her …
… in to me

(and back again, if you like)"


All in all, this has a great intensity to it; moves and rushes at a great pace and has subtle darkness of depths which makes the overall idea shine and mesmerize.

I like.

--
"When you step on the brake, your life is in your foot's hands."
--George Carlin

ugh...sorry 'bout the underlines...I tried to properly bracket my html-ing correctly..as usual, the coffee's not working and I missed hence the cryptic underlined words at the end!

--
"When you step on the brake, your life is in your foot's hands."
--George Carlin

This has wonderful pace to it and a lot of depth i can't even go into with oen comment. I hate to say this because it makes me feel lazy.. but delliversagain said it all. This is great.

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and all that jazz...

[link]